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Cleaning Out the Muck
When you shine the light of awareness on all your mental constructs, on all your misconceptions, on all of your beliefs, there is a lot of muck. And just when you think you’ve cleared out all the muck, you dig even deeper and find even more muck. Lots and lots of muck.
When It Rains, It Pours
I was being called into the darkness and to say that it was intense is an understatement. Especially while also trying to be a mom of a toddler as well as a newborn. My internal life completely and utterly unraveled. I felt deserted by the universe and was left barren, stripped and in the dark with nowhere to go except to simply let go.
Awakening Cuts Through Everything
When you start to live more from your soul vs. your ego, this process shines a light on everything. And I mean everything. The good, the bad, the ugly. If there is something misaligned in your life, awakening will cut through it. It will shine a spotlight on it whether you want it to or not. And it will get louder and louder and louder until you have no choice but to face whatever it is that needs resolving.
The Transition to YOU
Within a Dark Night of the Soul, the transition might be the hardest part. The transition comes after you have dissolved the old you, after you have dissolved the ego. It comes after you have walked through the void between the old you, the fear based you, and the new you, the new spirit aligned you.
The transition essentially feels like a battle taking place inside of you.
A New Dawn
When you dissolve who you once were. When you shed your fears and your limiting beliefs. When you face the depths of suffering within yourself and when you come face-to-face with the archetypal suffering of society, the only way forward is up. And only way out is rebirth. The only way onward is through. The caterpillar turns to goo. The phoenix ignites in flame. The dissolution, the fear, the falling apart, the lying stripped of everything you once knew. It’s all for a purpose.
Inner Truth
Your inner truth slices through everything. It’s a knife that cuts through any untruth and shines light on your own inner beautiful, light filled, soul lifting truth.
Empowerment
It is raw, potent power, but this power does not come from the head. It comes from the heart. And it balks at being bossed around, or limited to rules that make no sense. It is freedom, it is fearless, it is endless expansion and it has no limit.
Honesty
Being honest with oneself is one of the hardest things to do. To look at yourself honestly and truthfully and from a place of humility can be very challenging. To see that we are the ones that are making ourselves suffer can hurt. It can make you mad at yourself. It can make you angry. To see that all your desires and wishes driven from the ego were in turn actually making you suffer can make you feel like the worst person in the world. As you see through your own illusions and grasping at things and limiting beliefs, it can feel like WOW is this really me. It can be quite a shock as you realize that you have been the captain of your own ship the whole time and you were the one who has been making yourself suffer. Not the world. Not your job. Not your housing situation. Not your relationship. But YOU.
Grieving the Old You
During the awakening process or any transformational process, you go through stages of grieving the ‘old self.’ You are aligning with a new level of you/consciousness and within that you have to say goodbye to the old and make room for the new you.
Suffering
Suffering is a catalyst for growth, for change, for transformation.
It is life force telling us that we need to evolve, that something is off or it’s time to align with our true calling in this life. It’s a signal that we are living too much in the ego/thinking mind and it’s time to align with our inner life force, our inner soul, our divine nature, our truth.
Post-Partem Transformation
After having a baby, it’s a very raw, potent, vulnerable time. Your entire life dramatically shifts from external to internal, from doing to caring, from socializing to being, from activity to stillness. Many factors come together to create a mixing bowl potent with the ingredients for transformation and growth.
Humility
Humility is a place of surrender. It’s a place of I don’t know and I take a step back and let in. It’s a humbling place to be. It pushes you back to your rawness. Without any shields or guards you just let it all drop and are just there. It’s a way of getting out of your ego mind and into your being. It jolts us out of who we think we are, it makes us reassess. We are humbled and are able to bow.
Awakening and the Outside World
You are in it. You are in the depths of deep inner work. Of ego dissolution. Of the Dark Night of the Soul. You are ‘becoming.’ So much is happening internally—mentally, physically, emotionally. But to the outside world you still have to go to work and write emails and have meetings. You still have to go to the grocery store and make sure your kids are fed.
Transitioning from the Old to the New
The toggle between the old and the new feels as if a war is going on inside of me. Ego keeps yelling I want it my way and I want it NOW. It’s a screaming toddler. It yells mean words. It’s berating. It’s doubt. It’s mistrust. It’s wanting things to change now. It’s an energetic force within you. It feels oily and misguided and only in it for the ‘me.’ It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. It wiggles its way through and says NO. It’s long held fears. It’s worries about the future. It’s trying to keep the small me safe.
What is Truth?
Truth is the moment arising and passing. It bubbles up, is truth to you in that moment, and then departs. It flows and unfolds and maneuvers itself to what is best in that moment and at that time. It’s never a YES THIS IS ABSOLUTELY what it is. It doesn’t live in absolutes. It is neither a yes nor a no. It just is. It’s the moment presenting itself to itself.
Trust
Instead shouldn’t we fall back into trust and live from a place that connects us to life force, that can guide us from a place of love and connection and unity. Shouldn’t we trust ourselves/our highest nature that it will guide us to the truest versions of ourselves and our truest path that is set in the stars.
The Transition
Truly embodying and just being your being-ness does not happen at the drop of a dime. This transition takes time, dedication to the new embodiment and trust.
The Ego
It’s an energy. It’s a thought. It’s universal sub-conscious energy. It’s how you think the world should be versus how it really is. It’s a forgetting of the TRUTH. It’s desire and likes and dislikes. It’s categorizing and compartmentalizing. It’s fear. It’s the illusion of safety. It’s protecting yourself. It’s society. It’s a toddler throwing a tantrum. It’s a wild beastie raging in fear.
The Train
You are a train. And your entire life you have been on train tracks headed in the same direction as all the other trains. You live by the train’s rules of only going one way on the tracks and only sleeping at the train station and only being productive by carrying things to and from on your train.