My Story

I was 31 years old and it was the week of my wedding. And I was falling apart. I couldn’t sleep, I was filled with anxiety and I was exhausted. 

Not because I was getting married (my husband is incredible). But because of the life I was living up until this point. 

Two weeks later, I began to totally and utterly unravel. 

I had intense anxiety. I was lost, I was sad, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was fraying at the seams and I had no clue where to go or what to do or what was to come.

In a time that was supposed to be full of joy (newly married). I was entirely falling apart. 

Leading up to our wedding, I had pushed myself to the brink of adrenal fatigue burnout and I was finally feeling the repercussions. 

That year, I had thrown myself into my job, thrown myself into planning a wedding, all because underneath I was running. I was running away from my feelings, I was running away from my emotions, but most importantly I was running away from myself and my soul.

Looking back on it now, I have the clear perspective that only time, growth and change can give you in that my first cycle of deep suffering was essentially a calling from my soul, from my true nature that it was time to remember the truth of who I really am. I had thrown myself into the external world trying to find fulfillment and happiness through my job and through planning a ‘picture-perfect’ wedding all while using ‘busy-ness’ to cover up the underlying angst, anxiety, and emotions that I didn’t know what to do with or how to process. The internet, the TV, and society were telling me I should be happy. But my soul, my inner truth, it knew better. It was calling for something deeper and this was the first wake-up call that this life, this externally, socially acceptable life was just not it. I was searching for something beyond, I was looking for the calling back to myself. And not to the ego mind, thinking, and society norms, but to my true self. I was thrown awry and I needed to find my way back home. 

The next year was filled with a continuation of trying to shove myself back into my old life—après drinks,  trips, outdoor adventures. Nothing was working, nothing was making me truly happy. This was my first glimpse into seeing the external world as not what makes us happy. I did not know this at the time, but looking back I can clearly see it now. Source was calling on me to expand, calling on me to transform, and move forward and align with the truth that’s inside all of us. And I kept ignoring the call. I kept trying to go back to the old me. But the call would not go away. I had to turn inward. 

That fall I started to have panic attacks and I knew something had to change. My inner knower was screaming at me to heed the call and I finally started to listen. I read Gisele Bundchen’s book, my husband told me about it, and she talked about her burnout journey (very similar to mine) and how she meditates. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was a universal nudge–dropping signs, giving clues. A mentor had suggested meditation before. I tried it a couple of times but had no idea what I was doing and only gave it a shot for a couple of days before stopping. But that fall I knew I had to change. Knew in the core of my being things needed to shift, so I started a daily meditation practice. Around that time, I also became very interested in Buddhism. The teachings really resonated with me and so I read with an insatiable desire.

That winter I call the ‘releasing of emotions’ winter. 

With the help of my daily meditation practice, yoga, and leaning into Buddhist teachings, I let go and shed a lot of what I had been holding onto in my body. Like a lot. I cried a ton (which I now realize was a release). I had built up so many emotions within my body without properly releasing them and they all came out. I also started to have beautiful heart openings, and for the first time in a while, I started to see tiny glimpses of my true self.  

That next summer, I had my first realization. Owing to my daily mediation practice I was able to see how self-centered my mind was. I also didn’t realize it at the time, but this was my first peek at seeing how the ego really acts. I could observe how selfish it was and it was astonishing and appalling. 

This awareness brought forth my first jump in consciousness. 

That fall I started to unravel again, but this was an unraveling that would lead to beauty and growth. Luckily my mentor was able to explain to me that this was a step toward a new level of consciousness. It still didn’t make it easy though. 

Whenever I am in a cycle of expanding awareness and transformation (always follows some sort of realization, perspective shift, opening, letting go, etc.) it is deeply, deeply uncomfortable. It is essentially your be-ing changing, transforming, and em-bodying your newfound perspective, shift, opening, etc. But holy smokes this process can be rough, especially if you don’t know what is going on. For me, these cycles usually lasted a couple of months and they included a lot of anxiety (this is essentially the ego not wanting to change), felt like my brain was going insane, deep releasing of emotions, crying, falling apart (because you are to get to the next level of embodied consciousness), insomnia, and general just deep discomfort. It’s not fun. But after each cycle I always came out lighter, more joyful, and fully embodying the shift. This can be transformation. It’s not always pretty, it’s not always fun, and it definitely feels like you are going mentally insane at times. But the other side is always beautiful and peaceful and filled with a new perspective and way of living. 

The next cycle of my awakening somewhat blurs together. But what I do vividly remember is the intensity of which I felt the emotion of fear. As I continued to unravel components of myself and things were brought to the surface–this stage was filled with a fear so intense at times it impeded me from being a functioning human being. The cornerstone of this period I discuss in this article here Afraid of Myself. Looking back now, I know that I was not only transmuting and transforming fear within myself, but also within the broader collective. This was not easy and forced me to face so many deep shadows within myself as well as within the collective consciousness. 

As the months went by I continued my daily meditation practice, but also essentially incorporated alignment with truth into my daily life. It’s how I tried to live and the place I tried to come from every day. I honestly didn’t have a choice–I felt it was the only way out of my all devouring fear. It consumed a lot of my thoughts and energy behind the scenes and I would read a ton about it, start my day with a daily dharma and read Buddhism articles and books nonstop. It became deeply, deeply ingrained into my everyday living. I honestly can’t remember when I stopped drinking, but it was probably somewhere in here. I had already drastically reduced after my wedding, but this is when I really couldn’t drink anymore. It just wasn’t part of my path. I was never an alcoholic nor addicted to drinking, I am more just saying that I could intuitively feel that I could not walk this path while also drinking (even one glass or beer). It just didn’t align for me. 

I went through another cycle of transformation the next fall and it was yet again messy, filled with a lot of emotions, deeply challenging, and thoroughly uncomfortable. 

The next summer my husband and I decided we would start trying for a baby. This was once again another cycle of continuing to transform and let go of fear. As already stated–fear continued to be a main theme. 

I was so afraid to have a baby, but ironically, we got pregnant really quick. I will never forget lying in bed not able to sleep terrified about bringing another life into this world. I could feel the shifts in my body and I was clenched in terror. I remember in the middle of the night saying in my thoughts that I wasn’t ready yet. A day later I had a miscarriage. This was my first taste of the power of our thinking, beliefs and thoughts. I essentially stated to universal life force that I wasn’t ready so I had miscarriage. Our thoughts and beliefs create our reality (lessons that I learned more deeply in a later cycle of growth). (But with the caveat here that the truth of us is also not our thoughts–it’s merely a hologram we are creating. Yes I know–a lot of contradictions and ambiguity here.)

That August I had another miscarriage. I was depleted, exhausted and so scared but I knew that I had to have the courage to go beyond my fear and say yes. I had to stand there and say yes even amongst my fear. So I did. I took the leap of faith and I got pregnant and I kept saying yes even amongst the fear. And that fall during my first trimester, I went through yet another cycle of transformation. Because I was willing to look at my fear in the face and still say yes, I was able to accept and say yes to life no matter what. During this cycle I had my first glimpse of truth (although I didn’t know it at the time). I remember I had a day where everything was beautiful and serene and peaceful. Even though the skies were smoky outside from wildfires raging and it was hot and sweaty, I was in a place of deep peace and the world was heartbreakingly beautiful. This was a taste of coming home. Of the true nature within all of us. Of source. 

Summer of 2021 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and continued my meditation and ascension journey.  

My next large shift in consciousness took place the summer of 2022 when we moved to our new home. I was deeply grieving our old life and knew that my soul was calling on me yet again to transform and change as I continued to cycle closer to the truth of who I am. 

This cycle was the deepest thus far and the universe interspersed clues, teachers, and support along the way. 

I found myself in a deeply uncomfortable place, releasing intense emotions, filled with fear and anxiety. I greatly disliked our new home, location and life. Where we landed was in direct misalignment to everything within me that was awakening and coming into the fullness of who I really am. But ironically enough I chose it, or better yet my misaligned beliefs in what society ‘thinks’ makes us happy chose it. 

But truth was there to call me back to the source within me yet again. My truth was saying accept, let go and be. And that’s what I did. I sat outside our house and faced the intense discomfort and I opened my heart and said yes to life even amongst my fear, even amongst my discomfort. And the biggest shift yet happened: a kundalini awakening. It was an intense rush of energy from my spine to my crown and for months and months after (honestly the Kundalini lasted a couple of years) I had releasing energy moving through my gut center, heart center and eventually to my third eye and crown chakra. 

I came to a place where I was essentially embodying a higher vibration of consciousness for a couple of weeks but it did not last. My ego once again took over, but I was deeply changed and my higher self was calling me home. I also had some deep seeings and knowings within this timeframe although I didn’t fully grasp them at the time. 

That next fall into winter I continued my underlying consistent calling to come back to the full realization of who I really am. I started to live things in a bit more embodied way. I could very much see all the ways in which my personality interacted with the world and I began to bring a lot of awareness to this. 

As the Kundalini energy continued to cycle through my system, that winter I was called to shine a light on all the facets of my personality and deeper belief systems. I started to acknowledge and shine truth within things like people pleasing, and my drive at work to exceed (which was not coming from my soul but a fear of failure), etc. Many facets of who we have become in the modern world are based in fear and limiting beliefs that we generate from our childhood, previous lives and our incessantly monetary and materialized focused society. I was beginning to unravel the aspects of myself that were not the truth of who I really am at my core. I was continuing to unravel the fears. 

Then that spring I was once again due with another baby boy. And this time I was elated. 

My pregnancy was a calm happy time and my second son was born February 2024. My first six weeks of postpartem were challenging but oddly calm, peaceful and filled with happiness. 

Then April came around and as I was sitting in my meditation practice I felt as if I was space and nothingness and deep, deep open wide peace. That’s when energetically my life catapulted me into my darkest, darkest cycles—a dark night of the soul. 

The other cycles and fear based emotions had indeed been extremely challenging, but this one, this one was by far the hardest. This one felt like the universe/love/source had deserted me. My meditation practice wasn’t working, nothing was working and I just fell. I fell so hard, so deep, so dark. You can read other articles on my website about my dark night of the soul. I essentially had to fall out with everything that I was and it was an intense ego dissolution and awakening to the full expression of who I truly am. 

So much came to the surface to be healed and restored into wholeness during this process. And this was not only transcendence and transformation of things I had picked up in my lifetime, this was also a healing of things within my lineage. So much was surfacing and it was intense, to say the least. 

I will never forget a particularly awful night around the time of the Fourth of July. My mom and I had a terrible fight and I was a mess. I was awake at 3 a.m. with so much churning through my mind and being. I felt worthless, and terrible, and my ego mind was yet again screaming in my head how awful I was. During this period within the Dark Night of the Soul, the almost hatred and yelling in my mind of my ego manifested so intensely. I went to the bathroom and as I was settling back into bed, there was an intense flash of light outside our window. I remember thinking that was odd and went back to my self-shaming. But looking back on it now–I know it was the angels. They were there, right alongside me throughout this difficult night. 

All of the other cycles were an expansion in consciousness but this one was an actual embodied shift. It was a very intense visceral experience.  I came out of this cycle a completely different person. A person who is continuously living in alignment to my truth vs. the ego. The ego is no longer in charge, universal life force is. My soul is, my higher self is, source light is. 

As I stepped out of the Dark Night of the Soul–I was deeply changed. It took me months to adjust to how profound this change was. I felt so light, so full of space. It was honestly somewhat uncomfortable at first. But as I had cleared out so much of what was limiting me, this new found space began to fill with even more light, even more love, even more peace. I felt home. I was allowing source light, my higher self, the goddess within me to surface in full embodiment and it was so, so beautiful. 

My internal world was magnificent. I had come to the self realization that I am god/goddess/source/light/love/freedom/peace. I am not separate from that. I AM that. 

But my external world was completely in opposition to what I now felt inside. And that was hard. Very, very hard. 

I was in a job that was essentially chosen for me owing to a corporate takeover and re-organization as I was in the midst of my Dark Night of the Soul. Everything within this new role was in total opposition to what I was yearning for and feeling within my heart. The job was an intense grind, a hustle, a very demanding role that took everything out of me. There was no creativity, there was no freedom, there was no empowerment. I was a cog in the corporate system that attempted to control, micro-manage and monetarily drive forward at the expense of creativity, love, light and joy. 

During this time period we were also living in a house that felt deeply misaligned with my inner world. This house represented everything about the ‘American Dream’ that I saw right through. The lawns were manicured, the HOA volleyed for power and control, the house was so much more than our family of 5 ever needed. In this cookie cutter neighborhood I yearned for a true honoring of the natural world and living in alignment and peace with nature instead of trying to control and manipulate it. 

We also resided catty-corner to an extremely busy highway where traffic would back up right outside our bedroom window and the hundreds of dump trucks would J brake from 70 miles per hour to stopping due to a nearby stoplight from 7 a.m.-7 p.m. every day. For someone who is enormously sensitive and energetically open, this noise felt like it was directly running through my entire being. Because it was. Noise and movement are energy (traffic) and it was energetically a freight train running through my system every day.

This time period, put bluntly, was a time of survival–a job that drove me into the ground, a house that consistently overstimulated my nervous system, all while raising a newborn and a toddler. 

But looking back on it all–I wouldn’t change ANY of it. It was ALL there for a purpose. And I have nothing but gratitude for this empowering journey and nothing but love for all of humanity. 

So as I stepped out of the Dark Night of the Soul, I was/am an embodiment of source light, but my external world was no longer reflecting where I was at. I felt as if I was a magnet literally being shoved away from my life. Which I was. My vibration and consciousness were completely different. And now it was time to step into the full realization that I am the co-creator of my reality. Through my heart, through my love, through my light, I was learning how to navigate consciously co-creating my reality with my higher self/source. 

Leaving my job and finding a new home were paramount. But I couldn’t go about this ‘the old way.’ It was time to let go of the forcing. It was time to fully embody and align with my own unique flow to put these large shifts into motion. 

It was time to learn to allow, to surrender, and to follow the clues and alignment of source light’s guidance. And so that is what I did. Although my humanness wanted nothing more than to quit my job right away and move, I knew that I had the empowerment to co-create my reality. My vibration, my consciousness, and my higher self would orchestrate these shifts and all I had to do was get really clear around how I wanted our life to ‘be’ and feel, follow the bread crumbs, follow the alignment, follow the flow, and allow. 

So that is what I did. Even though my job brought me to tears almost daily, and our house and location were vibrationally unbearable, I succumbed to learning how to align with flow. 

After spending three years in a home that I never, ever felt truly at peace in, and after being in a job for over a year that was literally sucking my soul out of my body, just as I knew it would, everything eventually fell into place like dominos.  

We put our house on the market and we were under contract in 21 days–which was unheard of during this time period and considered lucky by many realtors. In tandem we went under contract on our new home. 

We officially closed on both homes the last week of July and I gave my notice August 4–eleven years exactly to the date when I had started at the company. The morning I gave my notice, I received a text from my new job at a non-profit that an anonymous donor had contributed to covering part of my salary. My complete and utter leap of faith and trust was being divinely guided. 

Because I had listened to my intuition, and followed and allowed the light within me to orchestrate, everything was seamlessly falling into place. 

And this was a powerful taste in fully realizing the infinite possibilities and potentialities when we live from our heart, when we align with our light, and when we fully come into the wholeness and realization that we are the divine. Nothing is outside of us. It’s all within. 

I am now standing here, with you, to help you realize the same within yourself. 

All my love,
Tucker