Afraid of Myself

For many years, I was a living embodiment of fear.

And this fear deeply manifested the most intensely in the form of being so deeply afraid of myself. Afraid that humanity, including myself, is capable of ending our own life.

It was around the year 2018 or 2019, I can’t quite remember, and I was in a deep state of internal suffering. I was lost, confused, depressed, anxious, etc. During this timeframe of groveling in the dark trying to find my way back to the truth of who I am, 5 people took their own lives in the community where I live all within a year.

One such instance shook me and rattled me to my core.

I will never forget the day. I was hosting a group of journalists at a local apres spot and I went to the bar to order some drinks. The bartender was an absolute wreck and I asked what was going on. He responded that one of their bartenders had taken her own life. I was rattled to my core and consumed with such intense anxiety and fear I could barely function. I knew her. I had chatted with her on numerous occasions in this same bar. I always liked her. I stood there stunned.

This moment had me spiraling. I was already in an extremely sensitive and vulnerable place. It led me to thoughts of knowing that I had the full capacity to do the same. I had nightmares about it and I became immeasurably afraid of myself and my actions. And not just slightly afraid but an all consuming fear that stayed with me for the next five years. I was absolutely and utterly petrified of taking my own life and this caused spiraling thoughts, my brain constantly saying the word suicide over and over again on a continous loop, and me trying to run away from my fears, my thoughts, and my life. I would never leave knives out on the counter, I made it clear we could never have guns in the house, and I threw away any sort of intense pain killer medication we had. My fear surrounding this swallowed me whole.

I will never forget being on a work trip in Denver in a high-rise hotel where I couldn’t sleep the entire night because I had an intense fear of throwing myself out the window.

I remember sitting in my beloved small apartment after reading part of the book ‘Fear’ by Thich Nhat Hanh and taking small steps towards transforming horrendous life-ending scenarios in my head.

But looking back on this now–this was a very powerful catalyst and motivator for continuing to lead me to the light and love that is the truth of who I really am. I was also transforming fear within myself that in turn was transforming fear in the collective consciousness. I couldn’t continue to live like this and so it forced me through my intense suffering to continue to unravel the depths of my true nature. It made me question so much, it forced me to let go of my unbearable and out of control mind, it pushed me to the edge of my vulnerability.

My deep seeded fear was a catalyst and guiding post back to the divine love that I am. It forced me to succumb to my entire being to faith, it forced me to let go into the trust of my divine self, it forced me back into the empowered goddess that I am. While simultaneously creating new neuro pathways in the collective consciousness to release and transcend fear.

One of my ascension’s path main themes was facing my all consuming fear, bringing it to the surface to be fully felt, and releasing it into the transformative and alchemical light of source. Source transformed it, light transformed it, love transformed it.

After having transcended so much of my fear, I still had to go through a process of forgiving myself for having these feelings. I had to love myself for having these feelings. And I had to mama bear hug those pieces of myself for feeling the way that I did. It was a deeply cathartic process where I had to finally show myself the same compassion that I offer so many others.

Speaking out loud about this to a trusted mentor deeply helped me forgive and release much of my self-shame, unworthiness and even self-resentment surrounding this.

I’ve also spent meditation sessions loving all aspects of myself.

It has been a journey, but I have long since released these fears. They no longer trigger me nor consume my life. I live from my heart, I live from my divinity, I live from my goddess source light. And I continued to surrender to this more and more every month into new layers of living from my higher self.

My fears and my suffering were always there to guide me back to my empowerment, to my deep knowing, to my home–my home within my heart, my home within my love, my home within my joy, my home within my peace.

And I am here to help you with the same.

You are a divine goddess/god. You are that. And I am here to help you find your way back home.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor nor licensed psychologist so if you are having thoughts of ending your own life, please call 911 and/or reach out to a professional for the support that you need.