Shame Around Life Ending Thoughts

When I was in the thick of my self-ascension journey, I had thoughts of taking my own life.

I was so afraid of these thoughts. I was so ashamed of these thoughts.

Why was I having these thoughts?

Who was I to have these thoughts?

People like me don’t have these thoughts.

Suicide is another thing that our society shames and shuns.

I was so terrified of these thoughts and I was filled with so much shame that I actually expanded and perpetuated these thoughts. They became bigger because I kept trying to push them away. They become more prevalent because I kept trying to disassociate and disconnect from them. I kept thinking that I am NOT the kind of person that has these thoughts. And so they followed me around like a little puppy dog for years. Because I couldn’t face them. And I didn’t fully understand them.

What I wish I could have told my younger self was the following:

Being in a physical form on earth is HARD. Especially for those who have more open hearts and who feel more of the collective vibrations.

We want to escape to the formless world where we don’t have to feel emotions like fear.

So many self-actualized masters have come to this earth and undertaken enormously challenging lifetimes all for their dedication and love to humanity. But this has led to these beings of light to also have these same thoughts, and even take action towards ending their life and leaving this earth plane.

There is no judgement from source. There is no judgement from the other side. There is no judgement from god/goddess. There is no judgement at all.

The only judgement that arises is from this current society/paradigm. And from ourselves.

And this judgement comes from not realizing the light within all of us. It comes from the fragmented pieces of ourselves that are screaming to come back into wholeness.

To fully transcend these feelings and thoughts was a journey of self-acceptance, self-love, coming home to my true self, hitting rock bottom so that the light of source and love could alchemize and transform, and continuous realizations that expanded me beyond the limited thinking of our current paradigm.

I will never forget when we moved to our new home and I sat in meditation and started bawling because I was home. Not physically home. But home in my heart. I cried for how hard the journey was. But I also cried for how beautiful it was. For how shattering and breaking and heart-achingly beautiful it was. And I was so proud of being willing to step into this lifetime and undertake all of my fears, and to face my unworthiness, and to face all of my difficult thoughts and transcend and transform them with the love in my heart and the light that is the truth of my being. I cried so hard because I knew I had journeyed through a good chunk of what I had set out to do. And I knew within my heart that I am here to help others do the same.

I am so grateful for everything, yes even the thoughts of ending my own life. Because it all had/has a beautiful purpose. And I am so grateful for this life. For this journey. For this experience.

But I am calling on us to release the shame of having these kinds of thoughts. To release the judgement. To release what we think we know about life and the world. Because there is always more unknown than known.

And one of the deepest learnings that I have come to–is that my fears were always an illusion of misunderstanding. Of a limited perspective. And they were there to guide me back home. They were there to bring me back unto myself.

Fear is a reflection of our disconnection from the truth of who we really are. And it is there to push us back into ourselves.

So whatever thoughts you might be trying to push away. Or whatever shame or judgement you are enshrouding yourself in. Know that I have been there, and I am here to help.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor nor licensed psychologist so if you are having thoughts of ending your own life, please call 911 and/or reach out to a professional for the support that you need.